We’ve all been there—you make a mistake at work, say the wrong thing to a friend, spill the pot of slow-cooked marinara sauce across the kitchen floor…
Instantly that familiar inner voice in your head chimes in, criticizing you and making you feel foolish or inadequate.
If this critical self-talk sounds all too familiar, it may be a sign of toxic shame.
Toxic shame is a pervasive feeling of being fundamentally flawed or unworthy as a person. Unlike healthy shame, which helps us learn from mistakes, toxic shame convinces us that we are the mistake.
Shame is an emotional response that lets us know we’ve done something wrong or hurtful. As social animals, shame serves an evolutionary purpose—it allows us to correct our mistakes and do better going forward.
But toxic shame isn’t so helpful.
Despite our best intentions, we may find ourselves listening to our inner critic, believing painful and untrue stories about who we are.
But when we understand what toxic shame is, where it comes from, and how it might be affecting our lives, we can begin the journey towards the healing and self-acceptance we deserve.
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Toxic Shame: What Is It & What to Do About It
Healthy Shame vs. Toxic Shame: What’s the Difference?
Healthy shame often develops during early childhood experiences. For example, when a parent or caregiver scolds us, we learn that our actions have disappointed someone we deeply care about.
Shame can play a constructive role in our development––it guides us, teaches us boundaries, keeps us physically safe, and helps us learn social norms.
For example, when a parent firmly tells a child to stop running around a swimming pool, the child learns to navigate the environment safely.
When we experience healthy shame, we learn to change negative behaviors while maintaining our sense of worth.
While healthy shame helps us learn and grow, toxic shame has the opposite effect. It goes beyond the feeling that we’ve disappointed someone.
Toxic shame makes us believe we’re fundamentally bad, flawed, or unworthy––often leading us to feel that we need to hide our authentic selves.
Here’s a quick comparison:
| Healthy Shame | Toxic Shame |
|---|---|
| Tied to specific actions | Tied to self-worth |
| Motivates positive change | Leads to self-destructive behaviors |
| Temporary feeling | Persistent, internalized belief |
| “I did something bad” | “I am bad” |
| Promotes growth and learning | Hinders personal development |
Unlike healthy shame, tied to specific actions, toxic shame makes us think we’re the problem in a situation. We internalize “I am bad for running near the pool,” instead of “My behavior was unsafe.”
This internalized critic damages our self-esteem, sabotages relationships, and leads us to believe that we don’t deserve true intimacy or connection.
Where Toxic Shame Comes From
It’s important to recognize that shame is not “our fault” or something we can simply choose not to feel or experience. Shame is passed on or imposed on us by others through their words, actions, and behaviors.
For example, verbal messages can make us feel not good enough: “What’s wrong with you?” “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” “You never do anything right!”
Neglect or abandonment may also impose shame. When we feel abandoned, isolated, or ignored, especially as children, we often assume that it’s due to our own shortcomings, not those of our caregivers.
As you practice progressive muscle relaxation, you may find you become more attuned to the physical sensations of tension and relaxation in your body, making it easier to respond when your body feels overwhelmed by stress.
This technique can be particularly helpful before bedtime, as it can promote better sleep by helping you unwind and let go of the day’s tensions.
Toxic Shame’s Connection to Attachment
Attachment styles—how we bond with our caregivers—shape our emotional and social development. These early relationships often influence how we connect with others throughout our lives.
Given shame’s deep roots in our social experiences, it’s no surprise that attachment and shame are closely linked.
Here’s how different attachment styles relate to toxic shame:
Secure Attachment:
- If we grew up with a secure attachment style, we’re more likely to have healthier self-esteem and feel comfortable with intimacy and independence.
- We’re also better equipped to regulate our emotions and not internalize criticism as a reflection of our core worth.
Ambivalent Attachment:
- If we developed an ambivalent attachment adaptation as a child, we might seek more external validation and reassurance.
- When we experience rejection or abandonment—like missing out on a promotion or going through a breakup—we often amplify our existing feelings of unworthiness. Our self-doubt grows stronger, reinforcing our sense of inadequacy.
Avoidant Attachment:
- If our early experiences included neglect or emotional unavailability, we might cope by suppressing our own needs to avoid intimacy and potential rejection.
- We may see this neglect as a personal shortcoming—that we are inherently unlovable or unworthy of affection—leading to the desire to hide ourselves and struggles with emotional connection.
Disorganized attachment:
- If we experienced a chaotic or dangerous upbringing, we might have developed a disorganized attachment style.
- This can lead to feeling disconnected or suspicious in relationships, potentially resulting in self-sabotage, extreme self-reliance, or emotional withdrawal.
- We might respond to shame and criticism with extreme emotional dysregulation, showing sudden shifts in emotional states—for example, alternating between disconnection and clinginess.
- This attachment adaptation often makes us more vulnerable to toxic shame, as we may struggle to form a consistent sense of self-worth or to trust in stable, supportive relationships.
Our early attachment experiences play a significant role in shaping our vulnerability to toxic shame. When left unaddressed, toxic shame can have far-reaching negative effects on our emotional well-being, relationships, and overall quality of life.
The Negative Effects of Toxic Shame
Low Self-Esteem and Self-Worth
Toxic shame has a profound effect on our sense of self-worth. When we internalize the belief that we are inherently flawed, it can lead to many negative patterns:
- Feelings of inadequacy
- A lack of self-care
- Inability to set appropriate boundaries
- Stagnation in pursuing goals
- Self-sabotage
Difficulty in Relationships
When you develop toxic shame, it can be more difficult to connect with others. That’s often because we attempt to hide ourselves so that others can’t see the “real” us. We may struggle with:
- Self-isolation
- A lack of authenticity or vulnerability
- Accepting (or trusting) love or caring behaviors (either feeling undeserving of affection or suspicious of ulterior motives)
- Chronic apologizing
Negative or Difficult Emotions
Toxic shame can lead to a variety of challenging and negative emotions such as:
- Self-loathing or self-pity
- Sadness, depression, or hopelessness
- Externalized shame (anger or judgment toward others, when we can’t bear feeling the shame toward ourselves)
- Anxiety and rumination
- Persistent feelings of guilt, even for minor transgressions or situations beyond our control.
Harmful Behaviors
Toxic shame can be emotionally taxing, as we try to mask deep-seated feelings, often leading to unhealthy coping strategies such as::
- Substance abuse
- Self-harm
- Eating disorders
- Overworking
Toxic shame can also fuel perfectionism—a strategy designed to prove to ourselves and others that we are, indeed, worthy. Perfectionism is often an attempt to “outdo” negative aspects and appear driven, successful, and motivated.
Bragging and self-inflation can accompany perfectionism as a way to create or illustrate our ideal self. However, striving for unrealistic perfection can lead to burnout, mental exhaustion, and further feelings of “not being enough.”
What To Do About Toxic Shame
Recognizing and healing from toxic shame is a journey that requires patience, self-compassion, and support along the way. Here are some key steps:
Start with Awareness
It’s crucial to become aware of shame’s presence in your life. Pay attention to self-critical thoughts, feelings of inadequacy, or the desire to isolate. Recognize these experiences are symptoms of shame and not a reflection of your true worth.
You may want to keep a ‘shame journal’ to track when you experience shame responses. Note the situation, your thoughts, and physical sensations. This practice helps you recognize and be more aware of what activates shame.
Identify Patterns
Once you’ve developed an awareness of the symptoms of toxic shame in your life, start to notice the patterns that contribute to its presence. For example, are there specific situations, people, or experiences that tend to activate feelings of shame?
Review your journal entries to spot recurring themes. Do you feel more shame in work situations? Social settings? Understanding these patterns can help you prepare and respond more effectively.
Practice Self-Compassion
The inner critic thrives on self-judgment. The counter to this is self-compassion. Treat yourself with the same kindness, understanding, and forgiveness as you would offer a close friend, and recognize that mistakes and challenges are a natural part of the human experience—not a reflection of brokenness or inadequacy!
When you notice self-critical thoughts, pause and ask, “What would I say to a friend in this situation?” Then, offer yourself the same kindness.
Challenge Shame-Based Beliefs
Toxic shame often involves distorted beliefs about ourselves and our worth. Look for evidence to contradict these beliefs—remind yourself of your strengths, accomplishments, and the positive qualities that others have recognized in you.
Try creating an “evidence board” (physical or digital) where you collect proof of your abilities, kindness, and worth. Include compliments, achievements, and positive experiences to counter shame-based thoughts.
Reach Out for Support
This isn’t a solitary journey. Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or a therapist for support. Sharing your experiences with others who can offer empathy, validation, and encouragement can be incredibly healing.
Healing is Possible
Toxic shame is a deeply painful experience that can have wide-ranging effects on our emotional well-being, relationships, and quality of life. By understanding the origins of toxic shame, we can begin to shine a light on this often-unspoken struggle.
Remember, toxic shame is a learned response to early experiences and can be unlearned with time, self-compassion, and social support. By cultivating awareness and challenging our shame-based beliefs, we can heal these wounds and reclaim our authentic sense of self.
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