Ideally, we grow up as––or grow into––securely attached people. That’s what we’re wired for. When things go mostly right in early childhood (or at least enough of the time), we yearn for connection and are capable of giving and receiving love in our adult relationships. 

When misattunements come up, we notice them, work to resolve conflicts and initiate or receive attempts to repair with empathy and compassion. And although it isn’t always easy, we generally don’t go through life avoiding connection with other humans––and when we do connect with them, we’re not constantly anxious about these relationships. We can relax in our time spent with others and feel at ease alone.

Of course, things aren’t always ideal. There are many factors behind different insecure attachment styles––it goes well beyond what happens between parents and children. Unfortunately, many of our unhealthy and unconscious patterns from childhood may carry over to the way we now think, behave and (re)act as adults.

If you recognize an insecure attachment style in yourself, partner, family member, friend, colleague or client, it’s important to know that we are all capable of change. 

You can develop a more secure attachment style as an adult. Because we are biologically wired to connect, we’re also biologically wired to heal.

Therapy can be invaluable, especially with a therapist who has experience working with attachment––who can help you make sense of your patterns, behaviors and past experiences that contribute to your. 

The more you understand about yourself and relationships, the easier it becomes to recognize and resolve emotionally challenging behaviors of insecure attachment that contribute to relationship problems.